The aim of this article is to draw the reader's attention to how we can deal with our feelings, especially our „unpleasant“ ones, and strengthen relationships at the same time. Whether it is a working relationship or a relationship with relatives, a daughter, a father, a mother or a spouse - the principle remains the same. Marshall B. Rosenberg's principle of non-violent communication is intended to convey a certain attitude that can make it possible to put theory into practice.
About the inventor of non-violent communication Marshall B. Rosenberg
„If we don't take our needs seriously, others won't either. Your presence is the most valuable gift you can give to another human being. Depression is the reward for being good.“
Marshall B. Rosenberg
Growing up in precarious circumstances in Detroit towards the end of the Second World War, Rosenberg regularly experienced violence in various forms. His father also seemed to have little empathy for his son, which is why he called him „Stone Face“.
The mother was an extroverted card player and professional bowler who encouraged her boy to hit back mercilessly when conflicts arose. Marshall Rosenberg adopted a dual strategy. He made himself invisible within the family. At school and on the street, he developed into a feared bully. Non-violent communication can be applied to any conflict.
The rest of the story is also characterized by numerous hurdles, pain and violence, which I will not go into further in this article.
Today, Marshall B. Rosenberg is known as the inventor of non-violent communication, which has been adopted all over the world, especially in tense regions such as Israel.
Non-violent communication is based on four essential iterative steps (see Rosenberg, 2016):
1. the observation
Suppose a person has behaved disrespectfully towards you, wants to test your boundaries or simply wants to release pent-up anger or stress. The person orders you to do this or that, insults you or even crosses physical boundaries. At that moment, we are often overwhelmed by the situation. As soon as we manage to find the necessary distance, we can let the event play out like a movie in front of our inner eye as soberly as possible.
2. the feeling
Depending on how the situation unfolded and how we perceive the world, feelings may or may not arise as a result of a need being met. In conflict situations, a need is often not sufficiently fulfilled. To illustrate this, here are a few simple examples inspired by Vera F. Birkenbihl Circular models, which all „known“ Feelings visually in categories. This facilitates the process of becoming clear about the situation. Anger in particular is a feeling that is usually so dominant and overshadows or drowns out something underlying. A healthy culture of conflict can be enhanced through non-violent communication.
3. the need
The need is the cause behind the corresponding feelings. What do I need is the corresponding question. Here, too, there are helpful overviews of various needs on the internet. As soon as you Coaching or have recognized the need associated with the feeling in self-reflection, you have fulfilled an important step. You have created clarity for yourself and can now move on to the fourth and final step. Non-violent communication is not just a trend.
4. the request
The request is a concrete formulation of how you would like to resolve the situation or conflict in the future. This includes a clear „I‚ message to the other person involved in the situation. One formulation could be: ‘Dear Peter, at the end of our team meeting yesterday, I noticed that you called me a “know-it-all' in front of the whole team. That made me very angry and I was depressed because my need for recognition and respect was not sufficiently fulfilled. I ask that you tell me such comments personally in future and give me an example so that I can learn from them."
In coaching, a clarifying conversation can be prepared by reflecting on and working through the individual 4 steps. Of course, anyone can also do this for themselves, as long as they understand the principle and have the necessary ability to reflect. Sometimes coaching doesn't make sense, read on here our article.
Only after self-reflection can the scenario either be practiced playfully in coaching or communicated to the person in question.
The setting is essential for the conversation with both parties involved, as is the willingness of the other person to seek an exchange when and how he or she is prepared to do so! Once you have practised this principle for a while, you will recognize the almost limitless possibilities behind it. Let's talk about non-violent communication.
A further step can then be to first empathize with the other person before you start to communicate your own points. This doesn't have to be immediately in the presence of the person, but can happen from home during coaching or even on a walk, simply by thinking about the person, putting yourself in their shoes and noticing what this does to you. You can also read our article about provocative co-branding.
We hope this summary helps you to communicate. If you would like to delve deeper, we, your Coaching Institute, will be happy to help you! Have you ever thought about Management coaching thought about? We have a Leadership Guide in this article.
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What is non-violent communication and how does it work?
Non-violent communication is a communication method developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. The method consists of four steps: Observation, Emotion, Need and Request. By applying these steps, conflicts and misunderstandings are avoided and clear and empathetic communication is achieved. The aim of non-violent communication is to establish a connection between the conversation partners and to promote open, appreciative and respectful communication.
How can non-violent communication be used in everyday life?
Non-violent communication can be used in a variety of ways in everyday life, e.g. to resolve conflicts, negotiate compromises or communicate needs and wishes. It is important to listen attentively and empathetically, to focus on your own needs and feelings and to adopt an open and respectful attitude. Through clear and respectful communication, misunderstandings can be avoided and constructive cooperation can be achieved.
How can you learn and train non-violent communication?
Non-violent communication can be learned and practiced through training and practice. There are various ways to learn non-violent communication, e.g. workshops, seminars, books or online courses. It is important to understand the methods and principles of non-violent communication and to gain practical experience through role-playing and exercises. Regularly applying and reflecting on non-violent communication in everyday life can help to improve communication skills and resolve conflicts and misunderstandings more effectively.
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Rosenberg, M. B. (2016). Non-violent communication: a language of life. Junfermann Verlag GmbH.
Sofatutor GmbH (2022, July 30). The essay wheel on feelings. https://magazin.sofatutor.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2016/11/Aufsatz-Rad-zu-Gefuehlen.pdf